Between the Comments

On November 26, 2019, Nathan Vallee completed suicide.

My grief journey, day 231
by Nathan’s mother, Joan Witte

A mere 22 days before Nathan completed suicide, I decided to paint Nathan’s portrait as part of an assignment in my art class. My source was a Facebook photo that had been haunting my dreams for a year. Nathan posted the photo as a Facebook selfie/suicide note. The post said something to the effect of, “…chagrin and coolness will only get you so far.” He survived his intentional drug overdose only to succeed a year later. 

The unintended gift of the painting was a conversation with Nathan that I will always remember. When I told him I was painting it, he was very upset. He asked me why, why, why? And, promised he would never attempt suicide again. I wanted to believe him. 

I told him, as I painted I meditated about him. I was trying to understand what he was feeling. He told me that at the time he was having an inner conversation of relief and reason. At the end of our chat, he gave his blessing and titled the painting. 

During our conversation, he said he had his reasons for killing himself. Once the decision to die was made, he felt immediate relief. He continued his evening with friends and had a wonderful time because he felt free. His friends were clueless. Then he went home on October 13, 2018, and took the overdose. Whatever his personal reasons, we will always know the real reason Nathan is gone is due to mental illness and alcoholism/addiction.

Nathan enjoyed using Facebook to connect with people. At his memorial service, so many people told us how he reached out. He went beyond Facebook posts and would follow-up with calls and personal visits. He touched--and saved several lives--by checking in with friends. Most of us do not think of Facebook as this kind of connector. It is divisive. It is full of anger. Hate. Lies. Pretension. Yet, between those comments, real life happens. Good still exists. 

For example, a young Mom shared a story about Nathan at his memorial service. She shared how he read her frustrated parenting post. Magically, Nathan showed up at the door to cheer her up. It meant the world to her. He knew she struggled with depression too. 

Inspired by Nathan, I began painting other Facebook photos. It was a way to grow personal connections and a way to thank them for sharing small bits of their life with me. 

As Nathan’s birthday drew closer, I became obsessed with a desire to do something with the paintings he inspired. To make his birthday special in a way that would make him smile. Then people asked to buy paintings. Because my motivation to paint was a labor of love and special connection to Nathan, I do not want to profit in anyway. The idea for the Between the Comments fundraiser was born. 

While today (July 14) is Nathan Vallee’s birthday, he will be forever 41. To help us celebrate his birthday, please consider making a donation in his memory to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). For a minimum donation, you may elect to receive a painting. One hundred percent of your donation goes to charity. Click here to learn how.